I had every intention and plan to write a back to school series right now talking about the lessons we can help our kids learn through school. I hopefully will write it at some point…but at this point, right now, I would feel like a fraud trying to ‘share’ wisdom or insight with anyone. I’m not really in the best head space to sound like I have any answers to give you at the moment.
I never intended to sound like I had answers anyway. Ideas, yes…Thoughts, concerns and questions, yes… But not answers. At least not in the sense of cut and dried, black and white, concrete ways to solve a problem. Mostly I write to share the things I’ve thought about, the things I wrestle with, the desires I have for myself and my family, along with the frustrations I’ve encountered trying to accomplish those desires.
I used to be someone who wanted to have the answers. Someone others could depend on but who didn’t need to depend on anyone. Someone who had it ‘all together.’ Perhaps old habits linger and I still come off as a “know it all” however I stopped a long time ago believing or even wanting to have it “all together.”
I wrote a series last year about dealing with a depressive nature. I wrote the series because I know the battle involved. I know what it’s like to have no reason to feel depressed but you do. Life is going well, family is doing well…but you aren’t doing well. I know what it is like to watch the people around you finding the motto “just do it” helpful advice while your greatest obstacle is your mind.
Depression is something that always sits in the corner of my life waiting to take over whatever room it can. Right now I have the ‘burnt out on trying’ depression going and it is leveling me in ways I haven’t experienced in awhile.
Admitting this is hard. It’s hard because I know I will have people who want to offer me advice, or tell me how great I am and that what I’m doing matters. Their purpose will be to encourage me, but I won’t be able to hear it. When you are in the midst of the battle there are many things you already know it is just your heart and mind are refusing to comprehend them at the moment.
I am telling you this because that is the whole point of this blog…being real about being unfinished.
I think sometime in the last year I forgot the purpose. In the midst of trying to learn how to build a “platform, tribe, email list and business” I lost track of just being real. I forgot I was writing to share the struggles of living this unfinished life and seeking to follow God in the process.
The truth is I wrestle with a lot of things. I wrestle with depression. I wrestle with my personality. I wrestle with my obligations and other people’s expectations. I wrestle with my family. I wrestle with God. Most of the things I share with you come out of that wrestling. Honestly, even the ideas I know to be true and helpful I wrestle with following through or being consistent with.
The truth—life is a constant wrestling match. We all go through it hoping to ‘arrive.’ Striving to reach the point where we don’t have to wrestle anymore because we’ve ‘made it.’ The reality is that life happens in the wrestling, as we wrestle we learn, we understand and we grow. But at times the wrestling can wear us out. That is where I am at the moment…how about you?
Over the course of the upcoming weeks I will be sharing with you some of my hardest wrestling matches. I know there will be some you might not relate to, and there will be matches you face I don’t mention. I believe however that we will find some common ground in the opponents we face and we can be of encouragement to one another as we honestly look at the struggle together. We weren’t meant to face the opponent alone…we were created to face it with God and each other. As we look at the different battles we will see how critical a role both play in helping us come out of the matches victorious.
First up in the ring will be the battle for value…as in ‘why am I valuable.’ I hope you will join me for the journey.
What do you wrestle with?
Do you face the match or try to escape it?
What are you afraid of happening if you faced it?